dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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