Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
