I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
