we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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