whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
