2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
