I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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