I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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