What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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