And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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