Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
