Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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