We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I enjoy the company of your penis
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
