i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Damn victory sex feels great
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
