My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
