happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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