Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
