so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
