i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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