fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I looked at my own cervix.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
