at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i've created a new STD.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
