You're my little dorito
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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