new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
