We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
When did angry sex become our thing?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
