Don't make out with my wife yet
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
