I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
