I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
