why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
