He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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