your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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