textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
