glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
