I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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