I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
