How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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