sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Randomize
