I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
