He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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