I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
