A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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