I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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