I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
