just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
