some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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