I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
