Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
