Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
