Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
