i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
