Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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