I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
