its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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