kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
