I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
