Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
