she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
