question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
