Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
