She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
