so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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