i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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