what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
