ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
